We, the conservatives of America, hold that government should just leave us alone … and
(1) Should enforce school-compulsory attendance laws that force us to send our children to state-approved schools; and
(2) Should force us through income taxation, Social Security, Medicare, farm subsidies, and other mandatory charity programs to help seniors, the poor, and others, and
(3) Should incarcerate and fine us for ingesting non-approved substances; and
(4) Should incarcerate and fine us for hiring or transporting non-approved workers from foreign countries; and
(5) Should stop us at domestic highway checkpoints to look for illegal immigrants and drugs; and
(6) Should conduct warrantless raids on our businesses to look for illegal immigrants and drugs; and
(7) Should conduct roving, warrantless Border Patrol searches of our vehicles to search for illegal immigrants and drugs; and
(8) Should forcibly take away our property through eminent domain to build a border wall to keep out illegal immigrants and drugs;
(9) Should prohibit us from trading with people from non-approved countries; and
(10) Should prohibit us from traveling to dangerous countries; and
(11) Should spy on us by monitoring and recording our telephone conversations, reading and saving our emails, and watching where we go on the Internet; and
(12) Should incarcerate us for as long as necessary when we pose a threat to national security; and
(13) Should torture us when we pose a threat to national security; and
(14) Should assassinate us when we pose a threat to national security; and
(15) Should force us, through conscription, to fight in foreign wars thousands of miles away from American shores; and
(16) Should prohibit us from engaging in occupations, professions, and trades without a state-issued license or permit; and
(17) Should control and regulate our economic transactions with others; and
(18) Should monitor our bank accounts and financial transactions; and
(19) Should debauch our money when it is in the public interest to do so.
Yes, we, the conservatives of America, hold that government should just leave us alone … because we believe in “freedom, free enterprise, personal responsibility, and limited government.”